How we treat and speak about our clients, and each other as people and as providers, matters too. We are putting energy into our conversations, environments, and toward the audience within them.

The people in the spaces we share are reading, observing, and listening.

How are they interpreting and experiencing us? ​

As leaders it is important to have an awareness of emotional regulation, and to be mindful about how we communicate, and how we are showing up in our conversations and spaces. What about awareness from an ethical standpoint?

The idea of ‘like minds’ has predominantly focused on highlighting and collaborating with the most resourced, and those connected to well-known names and groups in our respective industries that have most social capital for a buy in. Relationships are incentivized for the highest chance of social capital gains and profitability.

This includes crowdsourcing engagement, emotions and reactivity within Facebook groups and other social media platforms like Tik Tok and Instagram, for likes, followers, and comment generation given the monetization options that are now available.

These incentivized relationships have often included contributors who may be compensated with a free pass on things that others have to earn or work harder to get, even if they have had a history of engaging in manipulation, unethical strategies, non-compliant marketing tactics, and have cost people a significant amount of financial, emotional, and energetic loss.

Stigma has been built around working with people who are considered to be different, behind or below a certain point. Those of us who share a different experience, or perspective often get pushed out of communities and groups because this can feel like a perceived threat to leadership authority, position, and the chosen narrative.

They won't come right out and say this because it might damage their reputation. Instead, they will present a compelling case on their page, in their group, or in a community thread using specific language that puts those of us they want to avoid in a one-down position. Some group administrators have gone so far as to create failsafe strategies and rules within their group to prevent the questioning of authority, including limiting the sharing of different perspectives, entirely.

I am thankful that I have studied human behavior and neuroscience long enough to know that there are reasons for this beyond what appears from an outside point of view, but this is why it is important for coaches and service providers to be able to hold themselves accountable and do their own inner work. You can be a great leader, and struggle to coach, and you can be a great at what you do yet struggle in certain areas of leadership. A strong position with firm grip on authority is not always synonymous with good leadership.

It is harder for those of us operate ethically to be seen as credible and to have our perspectives be viewed as meaningful. It is harder to gain visibility, to market ourselves, and to stand out with our positioning when are not valued in the same way as our peers who are applauded for seemingly making the loudest moves, and the boldest claims, even if they are false and misleading.

How many times have we been in group spaces where we've had to:

• Navigate around brute-force energy

• Hold ourselves back

• Dodge unethical tactics, manipulation, heated comment threads that can lead to being re-traumatized, and disingenuous DM's

• Feel pressured into adopting group norms and strategies that don't align with our needs, preferences, and values.​

I remember trying to do all that I could, just to be viewed as credible and to increase my eligibility to be invited to the table with others. If I made the cut and shared my story, there was always crickets after. No one knew what to say because my experience and needs, didn't fit their expectations.

In a blink, they forgot about the tenacity and dedication that I displayed while earning my way to having a place in the room. They would complement me on this, often. Suddenly, none of that was valuable to them. Having no foreseeable profit-based tether to present to them, I was no longer relevant. The "high table" of the coaching industry, often rejects anyone who doesn't fit the vision of coaching business culture that they want people sell people on, especially if we can't feed into their flow of profits.

This kind of othering has reinforced the idea that it is okay to leave people behind and undervalued, and that we must remain agreeable, and work harder than everyone else unless we have access to an available line of credit and a buildup of social capital to divvy out to the right stakeholders.

The gatekeeping is troublesome.

There is not much consideration or conversation in the online space on how to include, equip, and support folks who may have no relevant avenues to leverage for that leg up or who may have a limited capacity to participate as expected, or required. I see this often in group challenges that run on reward systems, bonuses and upsells, many of which are non-compliant.

We are not teaching people the micro steps between point A and point B, but there is an expectation that folks should have already worked that out for themselves in some way. Many people have challenges that they don't discuss openly, and asking for help to fully understand a process or what we are buying into should not have to feel scary because of the fear of what people are going to say if we are honest. ​I don't want anyone to hide because they are afraid that they are going to be publicly shamed for not getting something right or for asking the "wrong" questions.

As someone who has experienced a lot of relational trauma in my lifetime, I know that the expectations out there can be hard on our nervous system. We don't talk about capacity enough, and when previous interactions with other coaches have not gone well because painful past experiences were brought up by using shame and humiliation as a catalyst for sales or some other "inspired action," it's hard to feel safe enough for many of us to discuss our needs.

I have witnessed conversations in coaching and consulting support groups that put people down for bringing up their budgets on a potential sales call. In seeking out feedback from other group members to meet their need for validation, I often wonder if they stop to consider that the person who attended their call may actually be a member of a space that they share and can read what is being said about them. How many of us have found each other in mutually shared spaces?

I believe that the cultivation of integrity and trust is critical in the work that we do. ​

I cannot be a bystander as folks continue to ignore where they are doing harm because they have convinced themselves that if everyone loves them and does not call them out, they can keep doing what they are doing without holding themselves accountable.

Many have been operating in ways that are harmful because it benefits their business and their bottom line, teaching their methods to people who may not know better.

Addressing this requires facing ourselves and being able to make decisions from a place of human-centeredness. It requires being able to sit with the fact that some of our business and service-related relationships may change a bit as we shift our beliefs and into new ways of doing things. Naturally, doing things differently might also shift things financially -- particularly if changes in relationships also change the level of access tied to profit flow. When making changes in how services are provided or in choosing to pivot, this is not discussed that often, and I have not seen it disclosed openly in much of the marketing out there.

I understand that the practices people have been engaging in have deep roots. Some folks are so conditioned to their level of access that scarcity can set in before they realize that all I am often asking for in terms of making changes are incremental (small) adjustments. I will never ask someone to take giant leaps, I know what that can do to our nervous systems.

I understand that change can be surrounded by fear and uncertainty. I know this can sometimes hold us back from stepping into aligned action and being in integrity with ourselves and others. Change has always been a hard thing for me to face too. You are not alone.

​Sometimes things fall away to protect us and make room for greater opportunities. Things do need to change, and the industry needs to evolve before it falls apart from a grave lack of integrity, or a lack of coaches who are prepared if and when it becomes regulated.